How to Make a TERRIBLE Website in 10 Easy Steps!



Want to make a great website? Well, this is a list of ten things you should avoid like the plague if you want to have an incredible website.

1. Add music - and lots of it!
Add a MIDI to the background, but be sure it's as loud as possible, and make sure people can't turn it off! This is a huge annoyance to people who are sitting quietly in their desks, only to be jolted awake by blaring music. It's especially annoying to those who listen to music while they're surfing the web. The music on your page is more important, right? It's ideal to use a MIDI file, so they're listening to outdated computer music that sounds like it came straight from 1984. This will really get them if they change pages a lot, because they'll only hear the first few seconds of the music over and over. If you can't get your hands on your favorite obnoxious MIDI file, use an annoying WAV file that repeats constantly. The more annoying, the better - opt for something like a frog croaking or a cat screeching.

2. Use horrible grammar and spelling.
itz lyk so kool 2 use bad gramer i dun no y not every1 does it bc i kin read it so y cant they? and i dun lyke to speeel rite bc it takes 2 much tyme 4 me 2 think abt it. i am smart i dun half 2 prooove it 2 u wit good speeling. & i lyke to type lyke dis & rite lyk dis & it doesnt bother me so y it bother u??????????????????????????? every1 shuud lyk it lyke me gramerr is stoopid

3. The more broken links, the merrier!
If you really want to bother people, scatter broken links throughout your page. Broken links are the MOST effective when you put them in your site's navigation menu. People think they're clicking a link to go to an image gallery but... just kidding!... they're going to get a big fat 404 error. You also get credit for this if you have a lot of pages that are under construction, and have no content on them yet. People think they're getting something, but they're really getting nothing! This is really a fantastic way to drive people away from your website. Broken pictures help a lot, too. People really hate seeing those little red Xs all over the place.

4. Make the loading time as slow as possible.
What's the biggest image on your computer? Add that to your website at least three times. Make sure that every single one of your images is a .BMP image that is at LEAST 3MB in size, at the bare minimum. Height and width are also good tools; the bigger, the better! Opt for anything over 800 pixels in height or width. Your goal here is a MINIMUM of ten minutes of loading time on broadband. If you can get it up to twenty minutes, you're a god.

5. Make the text impossible to read.
Are you read to burn some eyeballs out? Text color is your ultimate weapon. If you've got a white background, opt for text colors like bright yellow or lime green. On a black background, blue is quite effective. And with a red background, hot pink will do the trick. Just make sure you choosing clashing colors that make people weep and beg for mercy. If you want to go for a graphical background instead of a solid-colored one, make sure you use the busiest image you can find, with NO blocks of solid color. Of course, you could always just make the text too small to be seen with anything other than a microscope, as well. A combination of these two methods should really get people.

6. Scroll in every direction.
Make the width of your website 150%, or at least 1200 pixels. This way, visitors will be forced to scroll to the side to read the text (assuming that it is possible to even read the text). This can be very useful and easy to do when you're using frames. If you're using iframes, make sure that either the height OR width (only one) is higher and wider than the page itself. Now you've got double scrolling - scrolling on the page (to get to the bottom of the iframe itself) and scrolling inside the iframe (to get to the bottom of the content inside the iframe). This is extraordinarily annoying, so use it whenever possible!

7. Bombard your visitors with ads.
If you can get at least five ads to pop up, you're on your way to creating a horrible website. The first step for getting a lot of ads on your site is signing up for a free host like geocities, yahoo, or angelfire. There are tons of websites willing to host people for free, but why go there when they don't those coveted have popup ads? To maximize your ads, use several frames; each one will have its own set of ads. If you want even MORE, use free web services like counters and guestmaps. Make your website as commercialized as possible. Try for at least 10 popup ads total. Bonus points if they have absolutely nothing to do with the content of your website!

8. Use a pagebuilder layout or no layout at all.
Tons of websites offer beautiful free layouts to use, but why use those when you're trying to make the worst website ever? If you really want to be a minimalist, don't even use a layout - just slap some text and pictures on a page and call it a day. OR you could go for the standard pagebuilder layout that everyone uses. To visitors, this becomes more and more annoying each time - since they've probably already seen it at least ten other times in the past hour. And don't overlook the fact that these "layouts" have nothing aesthetically pleasing at all. If you can't annoy your visitors to death, at least you can bore them to death!

9. Don't have any content, or just steal it all.
Now that you've got roughly nine hundred enormous pictures, no layout, and forty-five popup ads, what the heck are you going to actually put on your site? The easy answer: nothing. You've got to have something for that blinding text, so just ramble about nothing for a few pages. OR make fifty links pointing to nothing (see step #3). Of course, you could just go without links or text altogether. Imagine it: you get the last laugh on your visitors - after twenty minutes of loading and all those popups, they find to their horror that there is absolutely nothing on your page! If you absolutely have to have some content, be sure to steal everything, and don't give credit. Copy and paste everything from Wikipedia, or direct-link all your images. You're an outlaw, baby!

10. Always remember: Graphics are more important than content.
With this step, you can turn even the best website into the worst. The first thing to do is make sure your main image covers the ENTIRE screen. If people want to read actual content, they're going to have to scroll for it. Now, just totally obscure your navigation. Make it into an image map that doesn't look like an image map - the links should be the various words in a quote, or tiny stars that look like a million other stars on your page. Just as long as it's impossible to figure out how to get to the actual content on your page.